God-given Life

One night, a few weeks ago, I was laying in bed thinking. Thoughts flying through my head as if this crazy Texas wind was blowing them in circles. Eventually, my thoughts focused on Labor and Delivery. I'm telling you, my heart has never beat so fast and so hard. My body numb, I thought, "oh God, I can't do it. I can't do it again." You see, a few nights before we found out we were having another baby.

I think God was waiting patiently for my mind to stop for a moment so he could whisper to me, "Robbie is going to be there, you can do this together." *Sigh* (of relief!) Poor Robbie, already sleeping, was awakened by his sobbing wife, hugging him tightly and not wanting to let him go. Ever.

I hope one day to look back at Bella's birth with greater joy. There is much to be thankful for. Everything couldn't have gone better, "considering the situation." Please, don't get me wrong, I am very thankful Robbie was "there" via web-cam. I am very thankful for my sister there with me. I am very thankful for a good labor and delivery and most of all for our sweet, healthy, Isabella Joy.

When my sister and I got to the hospital, I was at 7cm. They checked my BP, which is always 120 or lower. It was 150/90. I figured it was just my excitement. My last two birth experiences I was at 7cm and I didn't want this time to be any different. I didn't think I would be at a 7 when I got there so I was surprised when I was. I took a few deep breaths and my BP lowered a bit to upper 130's. Looking back now I don't think my increased BP was due to excitement. I think it was complete anxiety. Yes, I could see and hear Robbie on the laptop. But that didn't put him in the room with me and I didn't want to do this with out him. I kept a smile on my face, after all there was no turning back.

Anxiety prolongs labor so my usual one hour delivery turned into three. My extremities went numb. "Why am I not breathing right? Why is this taking so long?" I remember then thinking, "You have to let go, you have to relax, the baby is coming and there's nothing you can do." I took a deep breath and my whole body went limp. After a few minutes of slow breathing I could feel my hands and legs again. I think I scared the heck out of my sister, who repeated my name over and over while trying to get the midwifes attention. Between a contraction I waved my hand weakly and whispered a few words of "I'm OK. I'm just relaxing." (or something like that.)

I don't know how much longer it was till Bella was born but I don't think it was long.

After all the baby checks everyone left the room. There we were. Bella, Daddy on the laptop and me. I missed him holding her. I missed him holding me. I missed looking into his eyes and seeing his "proud daddy" smile.

Bella cried forever, it seemed, and literally didn't open her eyes for 3 days. I joked about her not wanting to see the world without Daddy home. I think deep down I wanted to do the same thing. But when you're a single-parent of 3 you can't close your eyes and cry for days. You have to trust. You have to find the "Beautiful Joy" in the trials that God is giving you.

Looking back on that time in our lives is important to me, especially now. The morning I found out we were expecting, I was up at 4 am taking that test. I don't know how I fell back asleep but I did because I was woken up by my husband giving me a kiss good bye saying, half in shock with a smile on his face, "Happy Birthday Momma of 4. I think you must be a saint."

I don't feel like a saint though. I feel a lot of guilt as I ask God, "what are you thinking? I'm really not ready to have another baby Lord. I can't do this." Although, I know that this is what God wants for us and it is in His plans, I want to be able to fully rejoice in this new, God-given life. I want to say like Mary did, "be it done unto me according to thy word." and not follow with, but not right now, I'm not ready, I can't do it, I don't want any life changing events, I want consistency, normalcy, I want to find my comfort zone and stay there for a while...

Bringing another life, a new soul into the world is no small thing and certainly not easy. It's our responsibility to teach them, guide them, keep them safe, foster their relationship with Christ!
Apparently, God thinks we're doing a good job so far otherwise he wouldn't have entrusted us with another gift.

To avoid discouragement, I have to remind myself that our lives are constantly changing, our children are constantly growing and changing but there's nothing more constant than God's graces for us. It comes down to trusting in Him, His guidance, His gifts of wisdom and patience.

Somehow I need to make more time for prayer, for the sacraments. When the sister's of the Missionaries of Charity asked Mother Theresa how they could get everything done that they needed to in one day, I remember Mother Theresa told her sisters "spend more time in front of the Blessed Sacrament." Spend more time with Christ! Brilliant! Now, to figure that out for myself as a wife and mother... of FOUR!!!!

In a weird sort of way, despite my fear, I'm thankful for this opportunity to grow, to be forced into selflessness, to give all I have.
How funny is it that we hope to instill holiness and virtue in our children and all along, our children help us to grow in holiness and virtue?

(God's laughing at me now, I can see Him looking down at me. He knows what I need, silly me.)


I am now 14 weeks. I have had nausea on and off and constant fatigue. I have the first-trimester brain fog which makes things difficult! I'm really looking forward to getting to the cute, comfortable, energetic 2nd trimester where you feel a little like yourself and not so sluggish. I have already been feeling Baby Black move, I felt *him* at 12 1/2 weeks. Amazing! Our ultrasound showed him moving around, waving his arms and legs. It's so crazy to see someone so small playing around like that! It was such a blessing for us to see our baby so early on, at 9 weeks and 5 days to be exact!

I'm grateful to not be moving, at all during this pregnancy. I'm glad to be seeing only one doctor. I rejoice in laboring with my husband. Thank you God! Thank you for Robbie. Thank you for the chance to move forward, to let go and to experience new life again together....as husband and wife and as a family.

The kids are excited, Anthony says he wants a brother and Grace says another sister. We'll all find out together around November 28th. Gotta love surprises!